mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
there is puke in my bra ... again
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
