I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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