My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
