Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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