My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
