i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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