it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
