I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
