saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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