I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
