I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
