I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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