i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How does one acquire holy water?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
