also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
