If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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