my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
