Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
