Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
