I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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