My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
