she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
