Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
