dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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