I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
