Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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