swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
