You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
