then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
