apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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