So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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