Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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