proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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