Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
