my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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