Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
is it fun? or sober?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
