She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
