Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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