I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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