the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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