Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
