I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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