God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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