hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
