im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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