I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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