he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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