he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
