could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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