Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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