Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
