What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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