I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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