So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
