I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
