Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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