He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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