i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
