I am in a vortex of obligation.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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