watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
